Connecting. Trying. Showing up for change.

As far back as I can remember, I didn’t like myself. Well, that’s not true. I liked myself. I thought I was funny. And creative. And kind. I knew I was loyal. And real. I also knew I was sensitive. That’s what I didn’t like. Or didn’t feel comfortable with. I thought that was a bad thing. Others also contributed to that bend of my thinking. Now I understand my gift better, this sensitivity. I see its blessing. I see how it draws people to me. I also see how it continues to challenge me. but I do look at it as a gift. And as the root of my purpose.

What I forever get stuck on is that people don’t see me. They see themselves. They see a part of themselves in me. A part they want to grow. A way they want to feel by taking a little something from me or benefiting from my light and effort by being around me, but not actually being participatory in relationship with me. But it doesn’t really work like that. You have to do the work.

Today, I stand in a space of seeing myself, valuing myself. Knowing myself. I still need to be seen. But I won’t fight for that anymore. I merely move on from that pedestrian fight when you show your true self to be closed to mine.

I have worked hard and earnestly to develop my sense of self…exploring my values, living accordingly, and not only welcoming my purpose, but honing its ability to help others. I see myself for who I was meant to be and for whom I can fully realize. I feel truly content and blessed to be me. If you don’t see me now, that’s really a bummer for you. I wish you growth and happiness that comes from your continued development. And I’m here if you ever look at me differently.

So here I am growing, changing, and still working toward my time of personal connection. I hate that I’ve become accustomed to being lonely. I want time together. Connection. REAL, life-purposed connection. We are meant for it. It’s why we’re alive. Connection in all its synonyms—love, compassion, acceptance, time—IS the meaning of life. I exist because of you. You exist because of me. Without one another, we have nothing. I just won’t settle for less than I deserve. It has taken me 30 years to get here. Hell, it’s taken my 50 years. I have so much but still I crave that personal relationship. MY friendship. The one I don’t have to compete for. The one with another human who is doing the work. The one that is the container for my abundance and my neediness. I’ve been good at creating spaces that hold space for such. And I hold my heart always open to living compassionately with eyes wide open for my friend.

I have built two environments for connection. One is a community space disguised as a personal training studio. It’s a place for people who are wanting to feel better about themselves to come and connect into an energy that is greater than theirs alone. Yes, weight loss happens and muscles swell. But the goal is to grow the human. Develop the person. Nurture the soul. Feed the mind. When you change your thinking and then change your actions based on that thinking, then you change your life. Simple enough. Except that is a lifetime of work. It’s daily effort. It’s also so totally worth it.

The other space is an approachable store. Everyone opens the door to a store knowing what to expect…stuff to buy. Sure, there is stuff in this store too. But the feeling is different. This store exists to give you a community space for connection. A place where you can feel totally yourself. And supported. Connected. Loved. Some come in for a unique shirt or healthy snack or a bar of soap. But others come for a meaningful conversation, a grounding meditation, a healing hug.

In life, our achievements are not cars or houses or money in the bank or titles. Our legacy is not just within our families…that we raised good kids, etc. Our achievements in our life are about connection. Love. Compassion. Acceptance. Time. To family, with family…but also to Family, aka community…others. Friendship is perhaps the most sacred of relationships. This sensitive girl wants so badly for everyone to come into this space of loving-kindness. Not just to receive. But to give. I want for you. I want for me, still, too. Yet all good relationships start with self.

In the space of real connection with others, is a shared pulse. A shared breath. A knowing rooted in action. Can you sense it? Do you know of what I speak? If I speak your language and you’re wanting change, let’s do this!

In my younger years, I struggled with understanding people’s bad behavior towards others. It was the drama of middle school and high school. As a highly sensitive person, I felt the bad vibes. Even when they weren’t meant for me. I hurt for my friends when they were hurting. I felt the pain of strangers when I witnessed their struggle. It was a lot. It was confusing. I drank and did drugs to take the edge off those heavy feelings. I thought there was something wrong with me. I didn’t know they weren’t all my feelings, not all my struggle. I didn’t have the skill to discern otherwise. Today, I understand mine better. Mine separate from yours. I have explored my boundaries to appreciate their hard edges, then worked even harder to blur those edges. I want not to separate me from you, you from me. Again, we are meant for each other. But less-than behavior needs boundaries. Yet awareness spotlights that not everyone acting poorly are acting with malice. Rather, when we know better, we tend to do better. So judging behavior is really the act of acknowledging where someone is in their own personal development. And with the underpinning of awareness, we soften judging into seeing. To accepting.

Certainly, none of us need to stand still in the face of being treated badly. Hear me espouse that we must always act to protect our safety.

I wish I could say that as I live more openly, more curiously, with more awareness and in more flow of nature’s pulse and path that I have less struggle. I don’t. Challenge exists everywhere. Such is life. We were promised nothing different. It is what it is. I have worked to understand and to discern. For the past 30 years, since recognizing that to stop killing myself with addiction, to stop stop feeling, I would need to work to feel, to make effort to understand, to show up curious of myself and of others daily. There’s no running from the effort.

Who am I? Why do I think the way I think? Why did I drink? What were the drugs for? How was smoking serving me? Why do I eat that? What do I want? What is my purpose? And deeper I went…who are the man and woman who are my parents? Who are my siblings? What formed my family dynamic? What kinds of people are drawn to me? Who am I drawn to? Why?

With self-awareness, true exploration—with ongoing effort—the answers appear. And the best parts of living, the really good stuff, starts to flood in. This dig-in-ness. This deep exploration. It IS living. In the words of Socrates, “The unexamined life is not worth living,” I keep showing up. Efforting for connection. Efforting for changing. Trying. Action. Especially the action when no one else is looking.

People stand in front of me every day saying “I want to lose weight,” “I want to eat better,” or “I want to feel more confident.” Our needs are great, aren’t they?! These desires are real. And they’re the “easy” ones we’ve societally accepted as they way to ask for help. But behind every one of these desires is the real one. The deep one. The one that shows the vulnerability of our humanness, our true selves. Behind “I want to lose weight” is “I want to feel better about myself.” Behind “I want to eat better” is “I want to feel better about myself.” Behind “I want to feel more confident” is “I want to feel better about myself.”

It’s wonderful to be in the place of this deeper sense of desire. We take care of what we value. So the work is in exploring who we are. Why we are. And our path to feeling better.

I continue on my path of connection. Of exploring my ever-enriched self. Of continuing to be my own best friend. Of meeting my best friend. Of reciprocal friendship in which I’m not asking to be seen, but am seen. Of not working to be heard, but am listened to and appreciated. A friendship that is a container for my awesomeness and for my weaknesses equally. I’m open daily to it. I’m doing the work. And I’m here to help you do yours.

This girl here is, yes, a health coach and personal trainer. But did you also know that my experience and toolbox allow us, together, to dig into emotional curiosity, meditation, mindful-based stress reduction, personal development, and more? We can focus on lifting weights and changing nutrition too. But the more smoothly paved route to physical changes is on the path of the spiritual and psychological work. Again, we take care of what we value. So let’s do it. Let’s put it all together. give me a shout if you’re standing on the cusp of wanting different. Because to want different is to do different. I’m your coach. If you’re ready to show up for change, I’m standing here in front of you with curiosity and the purpose of helping.